If you are a Lostie, the Tuesday, Apr 6^th episode will speak to you about the nature of transformation.

If you are not a fan, the message of the show -  Lost -  and this episode will be echoed in the subsequent posts to this blog.

Abandonment has been mentioned several times in earlier posts. This is not surprising since it is the fear I identified that ignites my transformation. What has my attention now is the difference between abandonment by and abandonment to.

Both result in a perceived lack; a loss of someone or something. Either carries negative baggage as well. It’s difficult to see any form of abandoning as doing something good or positive. Abandonment of me by someone raises the specter of being left utterly alone. Me abandoning myself to someone or some cause is a sign of surrender or capitulation – giving up.

Yet is it not positive or affirming to trust the cosmos enough that one can abandon one’s self to being guided by it? Guided how is another important question to ask. Perhaps, just perhaps, there is source or guiding force that communicates with us that sends us messages every day about the love and abundance that is our heritage and birthright. How can we know whether or not this is so? By listening with our inner ear, being open to hearing another message than the one that constantly plays in our head.

I believe that listening in this way is a path to transformation.

If I’m not afraid, what am I?

We experience many feelings, at least descriptions of them:  joy, embarrassment, surprise, confusion, astonishment, hate are only a few.

However, a life changing mentor of mine, Jack Gibb, reminded me often there were only two emotions that we experienced: fear or love. All others were a form of these two.

Over time, I came to know this to be true. I’m either in love or afraid and the choice is mine.

Well, this is embarrassing.

I have to admit that I’m still drinking wine during this cycle of transformation. The reason I say this is alcohol is a very effective deterrent to experiencing fear and the motivation to use it rises in direct correlation to the fear we experience. So, it was a with a strong degree of determination as well as a strong dose of rationalization that I entered the liquor store this afternoon looking for another bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon that I had enjoyed several days earlier. The name of the vineyard began with a W. I was not sure of the exact name, but certain that once in the section of Cab’s the wine would reveal itself. It didn’t to my surprise. After searching the entire stock on the shelves, I settled for a Cab from a good vineyard –Hahn – and left this part of the store feeling off center. As I walked to the register, my eyes caught a display by a vineyard whose label began with a W. I immediately realized that, while this was not the vineyard I was looking for, the bottle of Cab I wanted was in the section I had just left. So, I retraced my steps, looked again at every bottle and found the Wyatt Cabernet Sauvignon I had been looking for moments before.

I left the store with the bottle of wine feeling supported by the Universe, not because It had steered me away from purchasing alcohol with which to quench the fires of transformation and the feelings of fear they generated, but because It had responded to my desire and my request with a subtle message. The Universe had shown me once again, that the most important thing is not that I’m home having a drink but that It had responded to my wish as It always will.

It is up to me, not the Universe, to face my fears without medicating myself.

Fear of the new, the different and the unknown is a near constant experience for us because the predictability of our patterns and routines allows us to feel safe and comfortable. When we come face to face with change and the unknown, fear is an automatic response that protects us, reduces risk, and keeps us focused on what we know. But what if we want to change and what if we want to explore what we do not know for the possibilities of gifts they may hold for us?

I’m reminded of the incantation – Litany Against Fear – used by the Bene Gesserit sisterhood in Frank Hebert’s Dune series. The Bene Gesserit were a social and political force because they trained their minds and bodies to develop fantastic, inherent powers within themselves. To accomplish this, they had to face down incredible fears buried within themselves and one of the practices they used to focus and calm their minds in times of stress and danger was the Litany of Fear. It goes like this:

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

The last couple of days, I’ve been thinking about what I’m doing and experiencing. If it is so important to keep transformation burning like a fire in my soul and being aware and open to messages about transforming myself each day, what are my daily efforts to remain awake and what is the nature of communications from Source?

I keep the fire burning by: meditating every day, exercising by doing yoga or Tai Chi related movements to tone and tune my body, recording the results of my meditation and the content of messages I’ve received in a journal, and reflecting on my fears as well as how I can respond to them in a positive and growth producing way. I also have a secret weapon to use when nothing else seems to work. I share my experiences and feelings with my wife, Nancy. Going public with a person who can be trusted is the ultimate way to stoke the fire by getting honest feedback and reactions to choices I’ve made and actions I’ve taken. It’s the equivalent of fresh air being pumped into the bubble of perception created by my biased viewpoint.

The different ways I receive messages from Source are varied and can seem frivolous and inconsequential. However, it’s the results that matter. Some of these are: loud and clear messages from my Inner Voice that come through as specific communications: do this, don’t do that, what about that or this person related to a significant life decision I’m considering. Or they may be tingling in my body, especially my neck, shoulders, arms, spine and lower legs signaling that my thinking or feeling in that moment is significant, correct or mistaken. My ears also serve as antenna that are receptors for incoming messages. When this occurs, I suddenly find myself playing with my ears by rubbing them, something I’ve done since childhood. Tuning into this experience by centering myself and becoming quiet and focused reveals messages I do not receive in any other way. What we call coincidences and synchronicity are also markers for incoming communication from Source. They require, however, that we suspend what we are doing, thinking or feeling to be open to the Universe. Otherwise the messages intended for us are not received.

None of these behaviors or ways of thinking and experiencing is supported by our culture so, while they seem inconsequential and easy to do, they are a daily, ongoing challenge to acknowledge and allow in our lives.

The fact that they are so is a message in itself.

I’ve asked the question related to the first operation of alchemy and answered it by both identifying and acknowledging a fear that limits me and holds me back. I’m ready to begin my transformation. Well, not quite. There’s one more thing to do to stoke the fires of transformation. Igniting transformation also involves – a response to my fear. This takes the form of an alchemical decree.

First, I identify the fear that holds back and limits by asking the question “What am I afraid of? and acknowledge this fear. Then I respond to the question and my answer with an alchemical decree which is a type of affirmation. Imagine a line or a continuum like this:

Affirmation________Decree________Alchemical Decree

An affirmation affirms that something is or will be true.

A decree declares something to be true.

An alchemical decree expresses a statement of transformation to be true of myself.

It’s a matter of degree but a very important one. An alchemical decree is more than an affirmation which often is agreement that something exists or an expression of hope that it will in the future. A decree is more than this agreement. It’s also a statement or declaration of something about you. Think of yourself as the queen or king of your kingdom – you. You make a declaration about yourself. Others may affirm later that this declaration is true of you. An alchemical decree takes this one more step and places the focus on the here and now. It is about something that already exists, not something that will happen in the future. Often it is something that is new, created by you. An alchemical decree is also about change and transformation.

Let’s try out these different types of responses to the question and answer I identified as the beginning of my transformation. The question was: What am I afraid of? My answer was abandonment. I realized later that this involved not only the fear of being abandoned by my friends and loved ones but also the fear of abandoning myself to the unknown. Here are some possible affirmations, decrees and an alchemical decree.

Affirmations:

I will overcome my fear of abandonment by sharing this feeling with others.

My life is filled with people who love me.

Decrees:

I am no longer afraid of abandonment.

I am not being abandoned.

Alchemical Decree:

I abandon myself to the life that emerges by following the messages from the Source of All Things.

All three types of responses have an impact on my situation. All three will help me move forward. However, it is the alchemical decree that is a wake up call, that starts my engines and ignites the possibility of transformation.

Now, if I just don’t burn down the house.

Abandonment is a negative even frightening word. Nothing about it seems warm, fuzzy or positive. How did I get here on my path to transformation? By choice.

If we’re responsible for and capable of beginning the Alchemical Work on ourselves – and I believe we are – the first step is to identify and choose concrete steps to take. For each of the seven alchemical operations in the Emerald Tablet, there is a question and a response that can help us jump start this process.

Starting with Calcination or Ignite, the question is: What am I afraid of? It is important to ask because it’s our fear of something we may not even be aware of that holds us back, makes us uncomfortable to step out of our routines, keeps us from saying yes. Fear can become a veil that prevents us from seeing possibilities. To ignite our transformation, we need to awaken to the possibilities in our lives and acknowledging our fears is the first step in this direction. We do not need to face all of our fears at once and do not need to dispel them immediately when we do. But, acknowledging one of our fears that we know holds us back gives us the material to work with in the fire of our cauldrons.

My initial answer to the question was surrendering. This is a significant issue for me because surrendering feels like letting go or giving up. As a Capricorn, it’s the last thing I want to do. After more reflection however, I knew this was not the answer. For me, surrendering is giving up control and the lack of control seems to result in my life being unpredictable. This inability to see into my future far enough to know what’s coming is not what I’m afraid of either. I’m afraid that surrendering the ability to control and predict my future will result in my being abandoned. There I said it and acknowledge it.

Now that’s a fear that generates some energy within me to work with and I choose this fear to ignite.

After writing a handful of posts about igniting a journey of personal transformation, I paused today to look at what I was doing from a larger perspective and decided to take a step back to share more information with those of you who may discover my posts and decide to travel with me on this journey for a while.

As a practicing alchemist, working on my awakening and transformation is a major part of my life. But I wanted to become even more focused on this part of the Work. So, I decided to use the seven major operations of alchemy described in the Emerald Tablet, a bible or wikipedia for alchemists. My decision was to start with one of the three intertwined aspects of alchemy – the mental or psychological – instead of either of the other two, the spiritual or the physical, since all three eventually have to come in to play for the Work to be successful.

Timing is critical in alchemy. Having made the decision to do the inner part of the work first, it felt natural to initiate each of the seven operations with start of a zodiac sign. Spring is the time that most alchemists begin the Great Work. This is the time of Aries, the Cardinal Fire sign, and everything in alchemy begins with Fire. Therefore, this cycle of my transformation began on the Spring Equinox, March 20, 2010. The seven operations of alchemy of the Emerald Tablet described in simple straightforward terms are:

Calcination: breaking down of the material selected by the alchemist for the Work using fire or heat.

Dissolution: continuing to release the fundamental elements of the material by bathing it in a special liquid.

Separation: selecting the key elements necessary to continue the Work.

Conjunction: joining these elements in a new combination or the Marriage of the Sun and the Moon.

Fermentation: allowing the material to be infused with the energy of the spiritual world.

Distillation: separating the subtle and gross aspects of the material so that the qualities of the spiritual and material worlds, or the Above and the Below are intermingled.

Coagulation: combining the qualities of the Above and Below to create the Philosopher’s Stone.

The key to personal transformation is for us to take the responsibility to create or do something to initiate each of these operations. Here’s my list of these actions:

Calcination – Ignite

Dissolution – Liberate

Separation – Choose

Conjunction – Unify

Fermentation – Embrace

Distillation – Elevate

Coagulation – Transform

This leads to another way of saying what I did on March 20, 2010; I ignited my transformation. I’d like to talk more about this next.